“Felidae” by Ciarra Sims (2005)

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Eugh!

What on earth is WRONG with you humans?

Good gravy…

I mean, no. Not gravy. Because… Yech!

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You creatures are sick! SICK!

I feel I must apologize to T.C. LoTempio. If I thought her novel implied bestiality, well, then this novel… *shudder*

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So what is this novel? It’s porn. More specifically “ladyporn”, a term my human uses to refer to types of porn specifically aimed at women but which are as graphic and repulsive as the sort of thing one would usually associate with male readers. Well, come to think of it, some of the readers might indeed be men because the female’s appearance is rarely if ever described while the male “love” interest’s anatomy is described in vivid detail. Case in point: this book by Ciarra Sims.

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I hope you will forgive me, friends, for reading only 60% of this filth. I have absolutely no interest in human sexual activity,[1] and I suspect this document isn’t even representative of that. For one thing, I doubt many of you human females actually use magic to rape the men to whom you are attracted. And for all that the runaway popularity of things like Twilight, 50 Shades of Grey, etc. seems to indicate that you human females prefer violent, possessive, abusive, controlling, misogynistic sociopaths (and psychopaths) and harbor not-so-secret rape-fantasies, I can’t help but notice how many of you ALSO rant about the evils of misogyny, “rape culture” and “male privilege.” And, while those two categories do seem to overlap to a terrifying degree among human females, I frankly prefer to believe that the latter is more indicative of your true natures and sexualities. Because if not, you’re awful hypocrites and every bit as sick as are your males! And this particular bit of trash would be Exhibit A.

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I deeply regret that I imposed upon my human to buy this for me simply so that I could review it. Rest assured, human, I was looking for another, more popular, more PROFESSIONAL book with the same title but by a different author and with ENTIRELY different subject matter.

At the very least it was only a $0.99 e-Book. That has to count for something, right? I took the liberty of erasing it from his e-reader (thank Bast for feline-friendly touch-screens!) the moment I realized what I had gotten into.

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Arguably the worst part of this…this rubbish…is that it had so much potential. Its opening wasn’t promising, I’ll admit – the prologue tells of how peaceful, gentle, quasi-utopian Egyptians were raped and slaughtered by evil, mustache-twirling Romans until one Egyptian slave-girl fled into a cave to escape her rapists. This cave turned out to be the temple of a (fictional) black pharaoh who became the…god…I suppose of Egyptian vengeance after being “cursed” with immortality and the ability to shapeshift into a gorgeous panther.[2]

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I assume this is what the author intended for us to imagine.

He and his acolytes slaughtered the Romans, and then he offered the slave-girl the chance to become his consort – which she does, particularly after realizing how…erm…well-proportioned  he is. Together they apparently give rise (no pun intended) to a race of shapeshifting cat-people, of whom the modern-day narrator/protagonist is one.

And this was all rather clumsy and amateurish, but it could have led to something genuinely interesting. She’s a human who can turn into a cat! Or a cat who can turn into a human! In a modern, urban setting! There are even indications that different branches of the ancient Egyptian couple’s descendants turn into different types of felines, with some transforming into the larger cats (like the Pharaoh) and some transforming into felis silvestris catus (like the protagonist). This could have been a fun bit of pulp. Is she a detective? A spy? A superheroine? A *snicker* cat-burglar?

No.

“No” to all of that.

She apparently uses her magical ability solely to steal things and watch her boss have sex with curvaceous blondes. After which she pretends to be one of those blondes so that she can attempt to rape her drunken boss in the dark while his buxom date is showering. Lovely.

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You see, she wants to have sex with her boss too. She is not his type, however, as she is too slender and not blonde; so she uses a mystical potion to drug him into insatiably lusting after her, but – oh what a surprise! – it turns out she administers a bit too much of the potion and that insatiable lust turns out to be quite literal. All of this is overlaid with a thin, barely-relevant plot about organized crime and counterfeiting in [Insert Name of Generic Fictional Urban Environment Here], but that is repeatedly interrupted by the fact that she and he literally cannot stop themselves from engaging in rough, vigorous sexual congress.

No matter where they are.

No matter what they are doing.

No matter what is happening around them.

A cat is disgusted at what it sees

And, of course, not only does he turn out to be the dominant, contemptuous, abusive lover so many female readers (and the protagonist) apparently crave these days, but the spell makes it so that they can only find…er…release…if they do so at the same time.

Right around their fifth…encounter…I finally quit. I had been skipping the sex scenes, hoping plot would break out at some point, but there was no plot in sight. And judging by the few lines in those scenes which I read, the sex was becoming even more unpleasantly hateful.

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Human ladies? You should be ashamed of yourselves. There’re wish-fulfillment fantasies and then there’s…this. This is the equivalent of all those moronic male-wish-fulfillment stories in which an unattractive male loser becomes the focus of attention for a bevvy of females ridiculously out of his league. And millions, perhaps BILLIONS of you are not only buying, but publishing and WRITING this misogynistic filth! This sort of “erotica” actually makes me glad I have been castrated.

I am so sorry, Ms. LoTempio! I didn’t know…

I DIDN’T KNOW!!!

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[1] And, thanks to a particular veterinarian, I have precious little interest in feline sexuality to boot.

[2] I fail to see how either of those things constitutes a “curse”, especially since the shape-changing is subject to his conscious will and the immortality is of the “no-strings-attached” variety.

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